Some good responses of all time

(Collected by Bethan McKernan and published at The Independent on 8th June 2015)

1.- Sparta
King Philip of Macedonia
"If I win this war, you will be slaves forever"
Sparta
"If"

2.- Dorothy Parker
Drunk man: “I can’t bear fools.”
Dorothy Parker: “Apparently your mother could.”

3.- Stephen Hawking
John Olivier: You've stated that there could be an infinite number of parallel universes. Does that mean that there is universe out there where I am smarter than you?
Stephen Hawking: Yes. And also a universe where you're funny.

4.- Mahatma Gandhi
Reporter: What do you think of western civilization?
M. Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.

5.- John Wilkes
The Earl of Sandwich: “Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox.”
John Wilkes: “That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your lordship’s principles or your mistress.”

6. Abraham Lincoln
Abe Lincoln on being accused of being two-faced by Democrat Stephen Douglas:
If I had two faces, would I be wearing this one?

7.- Winston Churchill
George Bernard Shaw: “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.”
Winston Churchill: “Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”

8.- Edna Ferber
Noel Coward: "Edna, you look almost like a man."
Edna Ferber: "So do you"

9.- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Admirer: “Herr Mozart, I’m thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any suggestions as to how to get started?”
Mozart: “A symphony is a very complex musical form. Perhaps you should begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony.”
Admirer: “But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old!”
Mozart: “Yes, but I never asked anybody how.”

10.- Elizabeth Taylor
"Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses."

11.- Eminem
Reporter: "People are saying that Lil Gayne was sent by God to teach people how to rap."
Eminem: "I don't remember sending anybody."

12.- J.K. Rowling
On Twitter, "The Internet doesn’t just offer opportunities for misogynistic abuse, you know. Penis enlargers can also be bought discreetly."

13.- Roger Ebert
Ebert coming to his fellow critic’s aid on his take on Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo in the best way possible.
Patrick Goldstein: “… a film that was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic.”
Rob Schneider: “Maybe you didn’t win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven’t invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who’s Never Been Acknowledged By His Peers.”
Roger Ebert: “As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize… Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr Schneider, your movie sucks.”

14.- Bill Clinton
Clinton’s response when Dan Quayle said he was going to be a “pit bull” in the 1992 American election campaign:
"That's got every fire hydrant in America worried."

15.- Groucho Marx
Talking to a contestant with 10 children on You Bet Your Life:
Contestant: “I have 10 children, Groucho”.
Marx: “You have 10 children? Why do you have so many kids?”
Contestant: “Because I love my husband”.
Marx: “I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth every once in a while.”